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Masturbating with weird objects

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Masturbating with weird objects

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Late one night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored. So he did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, and found the nearest thing with a hole in it to fuck.

Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it. And then he made the fateful decision to have bit of the old in and out with it. What's the harm?

Yes, that video is totally accurate, his penis got stuck in the bench. His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the Nelson Muntz style laughter brewing inside each of them.

The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man's penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le's dong, which he almost lost.

I want what's under her. Hell yeah. So, yeah, from beginning to end that whole thing was one big Worst Case Scenario. All because of a single, momentary, horny lapse of judgment.

You'd think that would scare people of inanimate object sex forever, but there's at least one guy we're pretty sure is still going strong. His name is Edward Smith and he has sex with Edward Smith's love of cars didn't translate into a nice collection of rare vehicles, or a career as a mechanic.

Oh, no, he's on this list because he wanted to express his love in a different way. Awww yeah. Edward is one of a tiny number of people who are called mechaniphiliacs only about of them, as far as we know , and it's just what it sounds like.

These are people that treat car washes like late night Cinemax movies, except instead of naughty inmates at an all-girls prison, it's seeing that dirty slut of a Scion get buffed nice and slow, just how papa likes it.

By Edward's count, since age 15 he's made love to around a thousand cars and he doesn't care who knows it judging by the fact that he has done TV interviews about it.

Our research hasn't made it clear exactly how someone has sex with a car. Obviously you'd think of the tailpipe, but that would seem to create difficulties in terms of the positioning, especially for a car built low to the ground.

And the car absolutely cannot be mounted while it's moving, as you'll see in this set of 30 photos of our attempt to demonstrate this.

On top of all that, you'd always have that doubt in the back of you're mind that you're accidentally cornholing Optimus Prime.

The last guy you would want to date rape. Edward's current fling is a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which instantly makes every Herbie the Love Bug movie ever made five times creepier.

Other cars he's gave his mighty meat shaft to include: a Ford Ranger Splash he called Ginger, Cinnamon the '73 Opal GT, and a '69 Beetle which we are sure was probably the sluttiest car he's ever dated.

But cars aren't the only machine he's gone all the way with; he claimed in the documentary he totally had a fling with this helicopter one time.

It's here that we're tempted to call bullshit on the whole thing, but really, why would somebody lie about that?

Don't worry, even what's considered "acceptable" in the world of sex is getting weirder. Want proof? And sex sex sex Cracked. Don't make me do this again.

Don't have an account? Continue as Guest. Please enter a Username. The flashlight may be my favorite, simply because of its size. I first used it to stretch myself out, and now it fills me.

It feels great to be stretched like that. It has been over 20 years since I started, and I still use a flashlight. They have gotten bigger, but they're still fun.

Weight Loss. United States. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. Vegan In-N-Out Burgers.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. A Relative's Back Massager. A Handheld Mirror Hollow out the inside to fit your circumference and then screw the squishy goodness.

You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the draw to simulate the effect of getting a blowjob.

Select a jar and fill it with stewed tomatoes, Spaghetti O's, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, oatmeal or peanut butter. Cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go.

You can also turn your salami into a sandwich by slapping it between two pieces of bread, bologna, chicken breast, chicken skin, lamb kebob, spam, liver, lox, or steak.

Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt. Plastic Baggie. Pick your size from snack to storage , fill it with Crisco, Vaseline, Jell-O or banana pulp, and then stuff it with your meat.

Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion.

Rubber Gloves. When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off.

Use your favorite lubricant unless you're into medical fetishes, or the sensation of being examined at the doctor's office.

If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, but the stinging will subside. News News See all.

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The man's escapades didn't end there , either. By the way, this is the guy we're talking about. There was also video of him masturbating in front of traffic while wearing a mask, waving a gun at people while naked and digging a hole to literally fuck the ground.

That has to be the pinnacle of messed up boning, right? Screwing the earth itself? Well we can say that he's not the first guy to get caught doing it , so maybe it's a thing.

Who are we to judge? A man from southwest Scotland apparently decided, while looking at his bike, that he wanted to ride it all night long, and in ways that would make Lance Armstrong weep tears of pure terror.

This, presumably, was not a problem for anyone until the night that two cleaning ladies for a local hostel walked in on a sight far more horrifying than anything Eli Roth could come up with: The year-old Scottish man, with trou fully dropped, was "riding" a bike in a way that God never intended.

It has 10 speeds, all of them are sexy as hell. Oh, and did we mention that he stopped, knowing he was caught in one of the most awkward situations ever, acknowledged the cleaners in the room, and then continued gettin' it on?

Whether that is dedication, determination or retardation, it was probably backed with the thoughts and hopes that today would be the day he would get lucky and finally have that M-F-F-Bike orgy he always longed for.

It didn't take long for them to call the cops, who booked his ass on charges of sexual breach of the peace, which we assume is Europe-speak for making everyone at the station say "What the Fuck?

In fairness, this bike is totally asking for it. The man's little Tour de France got him three years probation and placement on the sex offenders list, presumably with the note "fucked bike" next to it.

So, imagine you are walking innocently down the street on an usually nice day in February. It's a few days after Valentine's Day and you still have warm, fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness skipping through your chest.

Yes life is full of sunshine and rainbows. Nothing can ruin your day Congratulations, you now know exactly how those school children and young women felt when they encountered this exact scenario in Wiltshire, England.

The nameless year-old man, whose identity is being protected for reasons we are unsure of other than to not be called a "lamposexual" in public was soon arrested for "suspicion of outraging public decency.

Even with eye witnesses? Now we are curious to find out how much more detective work it would take to get a conviction on publicly boning a street lamp.

We would also like to take this opportunity to point out how England is dominating this list. Kind of adds a whole new layer to that Telegraph headline from earlier.

It's an American fucking an inanimate object this time! Late one night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored.

So he did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, and found the nearest thing with a hole in it to fuck. Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it.

And then he made the fateful decision to have bit of the old in and out with it. What's the harm? Yes, that video is totally accurate, his penis got stuck in the bench.

His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the Nelson Muntz style laughter brewing inside each of them.

The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man's penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le's dong, which he almost lost.

I want what's under her. Hell yeah. The banana I use just as a dildo, except it's easier to keep around without having to explain it.

The battery is small and compact, like a mini dildo, so it's good for a quickie. The razor handle is fun in the shower when I am feeling in the mood.

The flashlight may be my favorite, simply because of its size. I first used it to stretch myself out, and now it fills me.

It feels great to be stretched like that. It has been over 20 years since I started, and I still use a flashlight. They have gotten bigger, but they're still fun.

Weight Loss. United States. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. Vegan In-N-Out Burgers. Take a large cucumber, squash, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe, cut a hole to fit your erection in one side, and a smaller opening the size of a pencil in the other.

Hollow out the inside to fit your circumference and then screw the squishy goodness. You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the draw to simulate the effect of getting a blowjob.

Select a jar and fill it with stewed tomatoes, Spaghetti O's, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, oatmeal or peanut butter. Cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go.

You can also turn your salami into a sandwich by slapping it between two pieces of bread, bologna, chicken breast, chicken skin, lamb kebob, spam, liver, lox, or steak.

Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt. Plastic Baggie. Pick your size from snack to storage , fill it with Crisco, Vaseline, Jell-O or banana pulp, and then stuff it with your meat.

Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion. Rubber Gloves. When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off.

Use your favorite lubricant unless you're into medical fetishes, or the sensation of being examined at the doctor's office.

If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, but the stinging will subside.

News News See all. Food See all. Music See all.

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